The Weird Side of Touring CRE

Some tours go smoothly.

The lights work. The tenant shows up on time. No one gets trapped, cursed, or traumatized.

But then there are the others…the ones that end in emergency calls, spiritual rituals, or bodily fluids, and live with us in our minds for the rest of our careers.

We asked brokers for their worst-ever showing experiences. What we got back was part confession, part comedy, and part police report.

💩 Chapter 1: The Smell of Opportunity

It was their first assignment. First tour. They showed up early. Pressed shirt. Fresh haircut. Ready to impress.

Then they stepped in it.

Not metaphorically. Literally.

A pile of human sh*t 💩…

No warning. No janitor in sight. No easily accessible Macy’s for a quick shoe swap.

That’s the day they learned that unfortunately, in the society we live in, you gotta keep your head on a swivel for not only animal poop, but human poop too…

🚪 Chapter 2: The Alley Trap

A junior broker was showing a building. The front door lock wasn’t working, so they made a judgment call: lock the building from the inside and exit out the back.

“Piece of cake”, they thought.

Except the back door closed behind him. And the exit gate?

Also locked…

Now they’re trapped between a door and a gate, in a small alley behind a vacant building. No one around.

So, they call 911.
The police show up.
The junior slides the keys through a tiny hole in the gate, and a very confused officer circles around to unlock the front.

Moral of the story, always always ALWAYS ensure a door doesn’t lock behind you before you confirm your exit path is clear.

🏃‍♂️ Chapter 3: The Cardio Client

A broker filled in on a tour for someone else.
Nice enough person. Asked a few questions. Nodded along.

Then, mid-tour, the prospect just… started running.
Full sprint throughout the building.

No warning. No explanation.

Nobody asked questions. The tour ended early.

🕵️ Chapter 4: Cons and Cash

Some stories blurred the line between leasing and future CNBC American Greed Episodes.

• One broker showed space to a group who set up a full investor pitch mid-tour. Brought handouts. Acted like they already leased the office. Then realized their “tenant” had listed the building address on their website as their HQ. Allegedly this group is now under federal investigation.

• And one appraiser? Was handed an envelope full of hundred-dollar bills during a walkthrough and asked to make sure they hit the number need. The appraiser politely declined, and GTFO as quick as possible.

In CRE, the red flags aren’t always red. Sometimes they’re printed on letterhead, and company websites…

🕯️ Chapter 5: The Ritual

They unlocked the suite and stepped inside.
The lights were dim. Candles were lit.

A group of people stood in a circle around someone lying motionless on a table.

No one spoke.

They backed out slowly, nodded respectfully, and tried to go about their day not thinking about what was potentially going on in that building.

🚨 Chapter 6: The Accidental B&E

And unfortunately we’re not talking Bacon and Eggs

The broker double-checked everything.
Tour at 10am. Multi-tenant park.
Confirmed with the listing agent: “It’s Unit 100, right?”
“Yep, Unit 100,” they replied.

Cool. Pulls up with the client.
Walks up to Unit 100. Unlocks the door.

And instantly knows something’s wrong.
The space is very much occupied.

Then the alarm starts screaming.
Sirens. Strobes. Full DEFCON mode.

They back out, lock the door, and wait in the parking lot, heart racing.
Praying the cops would believe them.
Praying they wouldn’t end up having to call their broker to bail them out of jail.

Luckily, the cops were cool and understood the confusion, but to this day, they still second guess every time they unlock a vacant building.

🧍‍♂️ Chapter 7: The Naked Negotiator

Scheduled to walk through an occupied but available building. Lights are on.

They walk in and see a man.

Fully naked. Wearing only headphones. Watching TV.

He turns, makes eye contact, and says:

They did not.

Final Thoughts

CRE brokerage is chaos with a commission structure.
And sometimes, you don’t know what you’re walking into until the candles are lit, the door locks behind you, or someone makes an offer they think is too good to refuse.

These aren’t just horror stories.
They’re a perfect representation that no two days are ever the same in this industry.

If you’ve shown enough space, you’ve probably lived a few yourself.

Before You Go...

Be sure to check out the new CRE Country Club Pro Shop.

Caps, tees, hoodies, and gear for brokers who get the joke and the job done.

No inspirational quotes.
No cringe slogans.
Just clean merch built for the culture.

I’m going to be working to adding more designs and gear to the store, and would love feedback as to items you’d like to see!

That’s all for now! I appreciate everyone who’s been part of this community across all the different social media platforms. My goal with this newsletter is to dive deeper into various aspects of the CRE industry, with a focus on the brokerage side. I aim to bring the same levity and reality to these insights as I’ve done with the memes.

If you have any input, feedback, or questions, feel free to reach out. The DMs, emails, and real-life connections have been some of the coolest experiences along this journey.

-CapRateCraig